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Martel the Marauder

Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that liberal embellishment has been applied to the following account. Parental guidance is advised.

Over at 480 Max & Ted's in Chandler, they got wind weeks earlier that new pool sensation Sharkey was coming to their town. This got in top gun Steve Martel's craw. Steve, you see, is a 7.

Steve hates anyone taking his limelight away, especially at his home bar. When he heard the Sharkman was coming, his only thought was to smash him like bug. I get that all the time.

In the weeks leading up to the match he sharpened his skills with hours of extra practice. In matches nobody wanted to play him. All over the East Valley pool players fled from his presence. Those reckless enough to face him were mercilessly slaughtered. Steve was hungry. Steve asked anyone and everyone to play. Those hapless enough to take on the challenge went away depressed and with empty wallets.

Rumor has it that Martel came to Arizona with a dubious record of reckless pool play in several states and left a long trail of bloodied andbeaten former pool hustlers in his wake. But now his magnifying glass was squarely on Sharkey! It became his fixation.

When the fateful day arrived, our team captain, Bronco, gave him his shot. Martel and I were locked into mortal combat. This would require complete concentration. The gorgeous bartender in the cowboy hat, whose smile could light Las Vegas and whose body was the model for the hourglass, came on to me. But I kept my steely focus on the match for the good of the team.

Because of Martel's understandable nervousness at meeting the legend and because of my skillful play I snatch the first game. The bartender slipped her house key into my pants pocket and left her hand there longer then necessary.

But that game only served to anger Martel more. He had to win five games to my three. Then he began a ruthless attack on the table after I failed to make a ball on the break. In a flash it is one to one.

Next, Martel makes the eight ball on the break to win game three. The bartender then removed her house key from my pants pocket and this time did not leave her hand there longer than necessary. But, in the next game I come roaring back with a dazzling five ball run to take the lead. Again I fail to sink a ball on the break. Again Martel takes the game. And again he makes the eight ball on the break. Yeah folks, that is right. It was the second one he laid on me that night.

The final game was one for the ages. Back and forth we struggled until my shock and awe attack was just too much for him and I took the last exciting game. The hostile crowd was silenced and the bartender confused, but I was victorious!!

The Secret
To
Winning Pool

Pool is a game of skill and concentration. Over time, with experience and practice you will ultimately become successful. Proper equipment and alcoholic lubricants help.

I will tell you the great, grand secret I have learned from my vast experiences. But first let us cover the lies told by the "experts."

Seasoned players will tell you there are techniques you must master in order to be propelled to their stratospheric heights of glory and have women swooning when you lean against the table chalking your shaft.

First, they say, is cue ball control. This is the ability to hit the ball sometimes with spin, or English, with the right speed and angle so that it repositions the cue perfectly for the next shot or breaks out a difficult grouping of balls. Wrong! That is for wimps. Difficult shots impress people. Try them.

They will further tell you that the art of the safety wins matches. When facing a difficult shot instead of actually trying to make it you instead try to hide the cue behind other balls in such a way that your opponent cannot get a good hit on their turn and it will be a ball-in-hand foul back to you. Again, what are these people thinking? Only Sissies do that. Go for the shot every time. Be macho.

They'll also say knowledge of table conditions is important. They check and understand things like dead rails, table roll and table speed. They say to take these into consideration on your shot. But everyone knows if you just hit the ball hard enough you don't have to, so why bother?

They will extol the virtue of a patient and repeatable smooth stroke to add consistency to your game. Just whack the ball instead. That way it can go over or through any balls between it and the pocket.

They will talk about other things like learning the diamond system for bank shots and other such podunk things, but it is all poppycock.

I will share with you the benefit of my immense knowledge of the game and tell you now the real secret to winning pool?

Make the damn shot!!

That's right, folks, make the damn shot! If you fail to "Make the damn shot!" then cue ball control, safety play, knowledge of table conditions and the diamond system for shooting bank shots is flushed down the toilet. Repeat this lesson to yourself ten times with anger in your voice - Make the damn shot!

So, there you have it. Once again I have boiled down a complex subject to its simple roots and proven the folly of the so-called experts.

Now, next time you are at the table get mad when you say this just before you stroke? Make the damn shot!